A new fragrance designed for Calvinist Men from John Calvin Klein will soon be released. The product will be absolutely free for all men who can prove that they are among the elect.
(Producing a ‘certificate of election’ signed by God and pre-dated before your birth will be sufficient to receive the product for free).
Another product released about the same time will be sold (and recognizable by its distinctive black bottle) and labeled “Reprobate, by Unchristian Dior.” That fragrance will also be free for all those God has Predestined to Hell before Birth (Romans 9:11) No coupon or proof of reprobation will be needed for this product, one just has to say that they are an Arminian (or non-Calvinist). The cost of this product will be underwritten by John Sproul and RC Piper, to the Glory of Calvin’s God.
(NOTE : Relax, Calvinist who is reading this – this is satire. I know you at least smiled because it was predestined that you would)